Self Loathing

I'm pretty much hating everything right now.

Everything being this stupid weather. Yes, yes, I'm glad for the beautiful weekend, but would a sunny Monday be the end of the world? I can't wake up. I feel groggy. It isn't lack of sleep, it isn't lack of activity, it isn't too much activity. It. Is. The. Weather.

Everything being my jaw. Seriously, I would just like to be able to eat what I please. You know, the whole being healthy thing, eating a sandwich, a salad, well, I'm doing that. And paying dearly for it. I guess I'll just eat soup and try not to starve. Because when I get to hungry, well, I just have a hard time avoiding munchy things. I guess mashed potatoes sans milk and butter will have to do. Maybe some eggs.

Everything being my ankle. I've apparently made it angry with the walking at the gym. I'm really getting into it. I am enjoying the walks. I'm all geared up for this week too. But I guess I should have been more serious about a brace for it. Now it is swollen and all weird. I'm limping. Bleh.

Everything being my lack of motivation to clean out my basement. Everything being not having a shed. Everything being the fact that I forgot to clean out my fridge and now I have 3 weeks worth of scariness staring me in the face. Everything being that my eyes are sucking and I need to go to the eye doctor. Everything being that DirectTV lied to me when they said I had paid through April 13 when I called them. Bullshit. That was total bullshit. I should have paid closer attention I guess. But still. Lying to me? I hate them, but lying is just wrong. Everything being that our stupid property taxes are going up up up, and we have to do all this stuff to try and get them to go down down down.

That's me today folks. Grumpy. Really grumpy. Fussy. Teary. Fed up.

Oh yeah, and there might be some pms thrown in there for good measure. ha.

I know how wonderful things are for me. I know that I could do many many things to make my problems better. I'm working on it. I just need a day.

Here's hoping.

The cats have been super pains in our asses for several days now. They go through these crazy phases of hyperactivity. For example, I'm not sure what they were doing but when I got home last night, they had managed to turn on the tv and tip over a not so small or dainty chair.


They've been running around nonstop since about 7pm, and it is now 10:30 pm. We tried this in the hopes of wearing them out (I would turn off your volume to avoid stupid commentary; the best part occurs at about 1:10):

Update: It worked. For about 20 minutes.

Hatred.

I don't know what it is, but there are just some things that make me so angry. Things I hear, read, see; things people tell me. And it just sends this anger coursing through me. The kind of anger that makes me want to punch a hole in a wall.

Most of it is really stupid, ignorant little stuff, and it probably stems from larger issues at hand. Believe me, I've given this a lot of detailed analysis.

It is just so suprising the ferocity with which it appears, and the utter disgust in which I find myself sitting.

It would be stupid, and doubly painful to recount what has led me here this afternoon, and probably wouldn't even make sense to anyone but me.

I've just lost patience. I find fault in the little things, as those are simpler to address than the big ones. I know what I'm doing.

In happier news, I found this today: Daily Lit. Kind of cool, and with hundreds of free titles, it portions your reading. So, I get RSS updates once a day, with a small piece of the title(s) I select. Good for me in that I like reading, and tend to get stuck in books, and don't have time right now to get stuck in books, and I can revisit some of the classics without hunting for my copy and/or buying a new one.

I miss my flip flops.

The hint of warm weather, the longer days, the advent of spring, the coming of Easter (even though I'm not quite sure when it might be), all of these things are really getting to me. Winter is over in the blink of an eye, though it seems neverending in the middle of those cold cold weeks when you can't quite get warm and the bedsheets are always freezing cold.

I'm longing for the beach. For the warm sand and the ocean breeze and the sting of just a little too much sun on my skin. I miss my flip flops. I miss coming in out of the heat and drinking a big class of ice water, or sitting outside in the evenings with a beer and some friends.

I want to grill things, open my windows, breath fresh air instead of the stale recycled heat. I want to work in my yard and see the green green grass, or even the dandelions.

I know winter around here is mild with a hint of bitter at the worst. But I'm really not a winter kind of girl. Sure, I welcome the suprise snow storm, but only because it might get me a day off of work. What I really love is the heat. Though, ask me how I feel in the middle of August, and it may be a different story.

I'm getting the beach early this year, my friends, thanks to my dear generous sister. We are going to Key West. I know little about this place. I also know that people have said it's beautiful country down there, and that Key West is a fun place to go. I was going to tell you what hotel we were going to, but you know, internet safety and all of that. Regardless, I'll get my first beach fix early this year, and since we don't have a major house project this year (due to lack of funds and poor tax return), maybe we'll make it to the beach a little more often.

Who wants to cat sit? Or maybe we'll just take them with us, like you would a dog. I'm rather certain they are part dog anyway.

Sushi and popcorn.

My sister took me out to dinner tonight, for sushi.  It was very yummy.  The problem, though, with sushi is, that while it fills me up immediately, it tends to leave me hungry a couple hours later.  

So I made some popcorn when I got out of the shower.  Better than the Edy's loaded chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream calling to me from the freezer.  It sucks though.  You know how sometimes the kernels don't seem to quite pop all the way?  You, watching tv and not paying attention, grab a few pieces, pop them into your mouth, and you bite down, only to be painful made aware of an unpopped piece.  Or a partially popped piece.  Not pleasant.  Oh well.

I don't know who reads this.

It would be nice to know though. There are things I might like to say, but I'm not sure that I should. Though, most of me really doesn't care anymore.

I have found, as I have gotten older, more mature, busier, what have you, that I don't have time for the bullshit. I really don't. I don't have the patience to smile and nod, and I don't have the energy to keep my mouth shut. I'm really down with honesty. Really down with it. Even if it means hearing things about myself that I don't want to hear. Chances are, I already know most of them, even if I don't tell you or talk about them.

I want full disclosure. I want you to have the guts to say that you don't like me, or that I'm overstepping my bounds, or that you don't want my advice. I want you to tell me that are sorry you asked my opinion, or that you're just plain sick of me, or that you think I'm full of shit.

Ok. So, I'm probably not going to email or walk up to someone and list out my reasons for not liking them, either. Though, at the same time, I'm fiending for the truth. I just don't want to give fuel to the fire, and I'm trying not to be unnecessarily confrontational. Maybe it's better to let things be when it comes to some people. The value of the relationship might not be worth the hassle. But don't sit in my home and purposely exclude me from things. Don't be short with me or ignore me without some explanation. Don't take it out on me that your life sucks. Don't use me up, lie to me, manipulate me, suck me dry and then take your leave.

The fact is, when it comes down to it, I don't need this kind of drama in my life. I know what's going on, and I'm not going to feed into it.

But here's a little truth for you: As much as I don't need it, as relieved as I am to be free of it, it still hurts.

You can make fun of me, if you'd like.

I have long had a weakness for ABBA. It is cheesy stuff. Pop-y stuff. It lends no real value to the intellectual bettering of my life. It lends nothing, in fact, aside from making me happy. Very happy, guys. I put on ABBA and I smile. It had been a while since I had listened to ABBA, aside from catching it on the radio or tv, or whatever. Then I was slightly turned off when I read that Dancing Queen is in John McCain's top 10 songs, according to Blender Magazine. (An aside here: I wanted to search to verify this information, but I could not, for the life of me, remember John McCain's name, for a good thirty seconds. How quickly I forget.)

Then, something happened. My dear Mother-in-Law bought me the Mamma Mia dvd for Christmas. I am somewhat reluctant to admit this next fact, but aren't blogs, afterall, a place to divulge our most intimate information for all the world to see? I have watched that movie, since Christmas day, at least 7 times. Which I think is a lot for a busy woman. And it's really only been 2 months or so. Sometimes, I will replay it immediately after it finishes. I like to put it on while I sew.

A younger me would be very embarassed by this, I think. But the current me embraces it as a part of who I am. ABBA makes me happy. Their songs are corny, fluffy, and stupid. But there's just something about it all. It pleases me. Their songs are fun to sing to, and silly to listen to.

I need some fluff and some smiles. And ABBA is doing it for me right now. And I'm not afraid to admit it.

Judge away.

(I plan to write a few more posts about music in the coming days/weeks, and hopefully I will at least slightly redeem myself. I'm taking a trip in the way back machine and discovering some old favorites.)

The Simple Life.

I'm sure I've written about this numerous times, but I just can't get it out of my head.

Maybe it's just a phase. But it isn't one of those 10 minute phases.

Maybe it is a result of recoiling from the whole growing up thing. Where we have to pay a mortgage and worry about gas bills, and forego nights out on the town for staying in with a six-pack.

Maybe it's reading blogs about women who stay home with their children to watch them grow, and who grow their own vegetables and knit their own socks. Because isn't the grass always greener?

Maybe it's a function of seeing the daily news reports of recessions and depressions, and failing banks, and homeowners in crisis.

I remember, back in school, reading about the problems my generation would have with keeping up with my parents' generation. Whatever it was I was reading, or listening to, made the point that for generations and generations, the following generation made out better than the previous. Parents raised children who got more education, made more money, had more things, bigger houses, fancier cars, better savings. Whatever. And now, as my generation comes of age, the tables have turned. I will not, in many respects, have the things my parents had. Of course they had their own struggles. But they still managed to own a home, and cars, and my mother could stay home with us for 8 years. I'm not sure this is even a remote possibility for me. Not with out major cut backs, or a huge pay increase for my husband, or a windfall.

We're being knocked down a peg. We will not have everything we want. We might not even get everything we need. In an effort to preserve sanity and conserve energy and resources, simplicity is calling me. Maybe it's some sort of evolutionary mechanism. Or instinctual. I want to go somewhere quiet, where people aren't competing for the biggest house or fanciest car or whatever. I don't want to see a million people every day. I don't want to feel crazy every day because I feel like there is so much I should be doing, seeing. I want to live somewhere where it's ok to stay home all weekend because there is no other choice. I want to live somewhere where we can afford to be simple, and to stay at home.

I think, what it maybe comes down to, is that I'm tired of wanting, and tired of feeling like I need more. Tired of competing. Tired of climbing. I want a smaller house, a cheaper car, fewer televisions.

Maybe I'm crazy. But, until I am diagnosed as such, I am going to strive for less. Strive to be more giving, more resourceful. Less greedy. Less inclined to instant gratification.

I'll let you know how it goes.

My Stupid Mouth.

Sorry for the absense. I've been busy, lazy, thinking about other things, doing other things. I really do apologize. But whatever I'd had to say would have been boring anyway.

So. The news of the day is that I'm having a TMJ flare up. It's the news of the week, really. I was diagnosed maybe almost 2 years ago now. My dentist said the treatment was to use warm heat, eat soft foods, and take advil. He said the cure was to see a psychologist and get a job I loved.

Well.

I have had it pretty much under control ever since then, aside from minor flare ups brought on by eating a chewy dinner roll, or having a sub (or hoagie, or whatever you like to call it). Or eating too much hard meat (that's what she said). By hard I mean chewy, like steak, porkchops, overcooked chicken breasts. Basically, anything that requires more chewing than a noodle.

That's an exaggeration, the noodle thing, but I do have to be careful about eating too many things that are hard to chew in a short time span. One sourdough roll will give me a headache for a day. Having pizza, then a roll, then a sandwich on anything other than soft bread, then some steak, in a short time frame, let's say 4-7 days, leads to an extended bout of this nonsense. Throw in some building stress and a natural predisposition to clenching my jaw and I'm out of luck.

I've really done myself in this time. What can I say. Sometimes that Italian sub is just too good to pass up. So, starting today, I'm on to soft foods, hot compresses, and regular dosing of advil. The headaches that this crap brings on, while no wher enear debilitating, piss me the hell off. They get in the way of everything just enough that I'm not functioning normally.

Here's hoping that the soft foods diet leads to some weight loss.

Happiness is...

Seeing that your husband cleaned the kitchen for no real reason, and without being asked on a Monday night.

I want to go to Hawaii

For some reason, Hawaii just popped into my head. I have visions of warm, sweet breezes, the sounds of the ocean outside of my open windows, maybe some thunder in the distance, and lush green and color surrounding me.

I've never been to Hawaii. Honestly, I don't imagine that I'll ever actually get there. I'm really feeling like running away right now. Most of you have an idea of why, and while I know it will all get better, it's just creating this low level anxiety that is like a constant annoying hum that won't go away.

I want to sit in my sewing room in my house in Hawaii with the doors and windows flung wide open and make beautiful things. See beautiful, smell beautiful, feel beautiful, taste beautiful.

I want to wear my flip flops all day, every day. That, people, would be a little slice of heaven for me.

I'm sure there is a certain amount of approaching-mid-February-in-Maryland angst going on here. Especially after 3 beautifully sunny and temperate days in a row. It was lovely to go to bed in a warm house with the spring time smell wafting in through the few open windows. The not quite being warm enough all day and night, and grey skies, and dirty cars are getting to me. It's not uncommon for me, and any native Marylander, and non-native for that matter, can relate to how I feel. It hasn't even been that cold for that long, we haven't even gotten one good snow storm but we're ready for spring. That's where I am. But with added intensity this time around.

I'm feeling trapped. I'm feeling pent up. I'm feeling like I want to scream loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.

Really, I'm happy. I'm satisfied. I love my life, my house, my husband, my friends, my cats. I'm more fortunate than many of my fellow Americans right now. I don't want to complain, really I don't.

It's just that I'm feeling particularly blah, and I can't quite shake it. I can fend it off. I even went a whole weekend without crying. I can distract myself. But I feel it building today. I think that if I could open up the windows in my house for more than 8 hours, and I could throw off the hot blankets, and if I needed my sunglasses more days than I didn't, I'd feel better.

At least it would be something until all this other stuff passes....

Thought I'd babble some.

Honestly, I don't have anything exciting or particularly clever to say here. Things are taking off over on StitchWorks though. The sewing room is almost all together, which is exciting, and it's a wonderful space to have. The only real drawback is that it is in the hottest room in the house, and I keep the door closed so the cats won't get into everything. I don't like to be cold, but I also hate being hot. So, I might have to crack the window or take frequent breaks.

The cats are annoying me to no end. I think they problem is that they (but mostly Spike) don't like their new food. I foolishly started them on some rather expensive food, and I think I've just sent them down the entirely wrong path. At 5 months they are already picky eaters. Last week, to save 10 bucks, I bought the cheaper food. They will barely touch it. And they are following me around crying at me, and climbing me and being generally REALLY annoying. This morning, I heard Spike crunching, and I thought maybe he had given up. But no, he had not. As I got closer, I realized that the two little buggers have been picking the old food out and eating it, but leaving the other (I had mixed the two together thinking that might ease the transition. It has not). So, this evening I am off to the store to show the kittens who is boss. Which, apparently, is the two of them.

In one other bit of news, classes started this week, and I'm a bit intimidated, but mostly excited to be formally learning again. And I got 100% on my first quiz. Even if it is for a craptastically easy library use class.

So little to say, so much time

I don't have much post worthy information today, but wanted to at least keep up appearances. I'm afraid if I don't post here regularly, it will fade away. So, in the interest of blog preservation, I will say a few things.

Thanks to my generous and lovely sister, I will be taking a trip to Miami this spring. I'm really excited, even though I am constantly pushing the terror of airplanes out of my mind. It doesn't help that my mother says today "I'm so happy you two are going on a trip together. The only thing that bothers me is that you will both be on the same plane.... You know, in case it goes down." Uh, thanks mom.

The kittens are gnawing on things. Jack says, "Maybe they are teething." I don't know how this thought even occurs to him. But sure enough, we looked in their mouths, and big teeth are pushing through. Weird, but normal, I guess.

There's been much talk about sewing over on StitchWorks, so if you want to see what I've been wasting my time on, you might want to check there. Once the sewing room is ready to go, I plan on getting a lot done. And, maybe I and a friend, who shall remain nameless unless she chooses to show herself, will get a stock of stuff and start selling. Right?

Ok. That's enough crap.

Oh! I lost 1.5 lbs this week, supposedly. My scale, I'm not trusting entirely right now.

The Boob Tube.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but we got a new television. You can see the picture there on the left. It is a 42" Samsung 720p plasma tv. Whatever all that stuff means. I'm pretty sure that the 42 is how big it is, and that Samsung is the brand name, and as far as 720p and plasma, well, i think it has something to do with pixels and the picture, and how the picture is made or something. Also that it's shiny like a piece of glass whereas the LCD screens are not.


Jack spent 8 hours going from store to store to store trying to find the best product for the best deal. He found that this is near impossible. There's always something else, always something more, always something better. The problem is deciding where the cut off is. It helped that we were paying cash and we had a strict budget, but it only helped a tiny bit. I is an amazing television, with a fantastic picture, and is pretty big too. Movies through the PS3 are fantastic, while regular television looks pretty sucky on it. I guess I'm going to get lobbied soon to upgrade to HD. Though something of equal or greater value must go first.


I'm happy with it, I am. But to me, it's just a television when it comes down to it. It's great to watch movies on, for sure, and it helps to be able to have a bright enough picture to actually see what's happening on the screen (it's predecessor was fading). It's also nice to be able to hook the stereo up to it without much hassle.


I've heard rumors that these televisions lead to higher energy bills, which I assume is mostly due to higher rates of usage. I am happy to report, however, that even though this television takes the cake, it has not taken my husband. He can appreciate it, but he's not attached to it. This is very good news. And not just for the electric bill...

Lots going on, Nothing to say.

So, if you want to know about the bulk of my weekend, check out StitchWorks. Basically, it was a weekend spent doing things that weren't essential while I watched the rest of my house descend into chaos. I'll get to the cleaning eventually. I promise.

The only other tidbit is that Friday's dinner party turned out very well. My food was well-received, we had good conversation, and a lot of fun, I think. It felt very adult, but in a very fun and good way. The steamed/fried dumplings were a great hit, as were the sauces and the shrimp and noodle roll things. The stir fry was what it was, and certainly not the most exciting part of the meal, but everyone still took home leftovers. I'm feeling good. I'm looking forward to the next one, and planning for when my turn comes back around.

Plans, Plans, and More Plans.

So, over on StichWorks, I posted about giving up the guest room in favor of a sewing/craft room. A simple enough decision it was. But that has led to other ideas. A trickle down effect, or a snowball effect (which is probably more accurate). So let me tell you what I'm thinking.

First, the bed from the guest room is going to the basement. The Craft Room, as it will from here on out be called, is going to get a coat of Kilz and a coat of paint (hopefully this weekend). The dining room table that is in the basement will come upstairs, and either be put into the Craft Room or exchanged in the dining room. Various other bits and pieces from throughout the house will go into the craft room as they fit, make sense, etc., and after I've been working in it a while I will figure out what else I need.

Which brings us to second. I *think* we will use part of the back room in the basement for a guest area. With the table out, and the shelves rearranged (and perhaps hidden), it won't be a bad area. BUT, it will need paint. White over the wood paneling I think. Is it even worth it though? I was really into this idea about 7 minutes ago, but as I write it and think about it, it seems like a waste of time, and again, space. That didn't take long to fade out, did it? Ha. But still, for now we will put the bed down there, just in case. Never know when you'll need it I guess.

So, this weekend I'll need to enlist Jack's help for the removal of the bed at least. And I also want to get a piece of crap dresser out of the office. That's not too much to ask. Ha.

How Long?

My question is this: When on hold to make an appointment at a doctor's office, how long should I wait?

I need to make this appointment. I have put it off because I'm lazy and I'm forgetful, and I generally hate calling places. I have been on hold for 15 minutes so far. My instinct says that I've been forgotten. Are they really that busy? I don't have questions (well, I have one), I just want to make a straightforward appointment. The problem is that I'm always wondering if they'll come back on the line in a few seconds. Just a few more seconds...just a few more...just a few...just a...just...

Anyway. I've decided to hang up and try again later.

Spike: Avid TV Watcher

For viewing pleasure:  Spike watch various shows.  These shots are not staged.  He really plops himself in front of the tv and watches intently for minutes on end.  He tastes are diverse as you will see.

Hockey Commentary

Dazed and Confused

Home Improvement

Animal Planet

More Animal Planet

Today is an ordinary day, I think. I will tell you several miscellaneous facts that you probably won't care about. If you want something maybe a little more interesting, check out StitchWorks.

I'm wearing a sweater today that my wonderful sister bought me. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I'm leaning toward annoyed with a hint of discomfort. There's something funny about the cut, and it clings to me in a way I would prefer it didn't. It is also rapidly losing it's shape, which might not be a bad thing.

The enchiladas last night turned out ok, although I let them hang out in the oven too long while Jack cleaned soda from the inside of his car, so the cheese got a little more cooked that I would like, and how is that for a run on sentence?

I did not snack last night. I sewed instead. You can check out the aforementioned link to see what I was working on.

Tonight for dinner we are having buffalo chicken wings and ore ida zestie fries. According to SparkPeople that, with my lunch, is only 500 some odd calories for the day. I find it hard to believe that one chicken wing only has 43 calories though. I'm going to do a little more research into that before I think I have a bunch of extra calories to munch on.

Also, I am sorta bummed that our snow/sleet/wintery mix forecast has turned to mostly rain, although it's still going to be in the low to mid 30s today and tomorrow. A snow day would have been nice. Ha. Then maybe I could actually get something done at the house that I neglected for the 12 or so days (in a row) that I had off.

Daily Grind

Just popping in quickly for a brief hello and blahblahblah. First day back to work. It was hard waking up this morning, especially realizing how UNproductive I really was over break. And now that it is all over, I'm getting ideas, wanting to make plans, rearrange my house and stuff. We'll see if I can drive Jack crazy over that tonight! Ha.

Also, I'm having a good first day of discipline. FDD for short. I've eaten what I planned to eat, I'm not feeling overly hungry and I'm psyching myself up for making dinner tonight. Also, the plan is 20 minutes of pilates when I get home, and a walk after dinner. Maybe Jack will go with me. He says he wants to.

I kinda wish cats were walkable. And that if they WERE walkable, and liked to walk on a leash, that people wouldn't think I was looney. Because if I saw some woman walking down the street with a cat at the end of a leash, I would think she was off her rocker. Oh well. I don't want to be the crazy cat lady. I'll just find some headphones and my ipod and take a few turns around the neighborhood.

I'm feeling really good people. All the craziness of the last few months feels like it's behind me. The holidays are over, and I can get back to a routine for real.

Good times.

The real reason I haven't been blogging over break.

So, I would like to pretend that I've just been so busy this last week and a half, organizing my house, going out with friends, travelling the world.  I would like to tell you those are the reasons I've not been blogging often.  

You can see though, that the real reason I've been mostly absent from here is that the cats protest every time I attempt to use the computer.  Spike climbs all over the keyboard and acts like I'm an idiot for tapping away on this machine while staring at a glowing screen.  Shelby climbs into my lap, underneath the computer and claws and bites my legs.  

So, now you know the truth.  I'm being held hostage by kittens.  Once I am away from them for a bit each day (now that work is starting again) I might be able to get a few meaningful words in before they find out.

Congratulations!

I found out last night that two very good friends are engaged to be married.  There is something so wonderful and hopeful about hearing this news on the dawning of a new year.  I wish them all the love and happiness that the world has to offer, and look forward to being a part of it as the years go by.  I don't presume to offer unsolicited advice, and besides, I don't think they need it.  Just remember to love openly and without reservation.  Remember that the other's best interests are also your own.  

I want desperately to call them up and harass them with questions of details.  "When's the wedding?"  "Where are you having it?" "What colors are you having?" and all of those other sorts of things, but I know how annoying it was to always be asked questions you just didin't have the answers to yet.  So, for now, I will leave them be!  There is plenty of time yet, and let's let them bask in the glow of this happy time for a while.

Congratulations y'all!  You are wonderful and perfect and I wish you both the best!  How exciting!   

Oh, and if you need dozens of red tea light holders let me know.