I'm not going to lie

I'm afraid of trick-or-treaters. I find little kids coming up to the door begging for candy to be rather intimidating. I've been trying to ignore it, trying to get excited about it, but part of me wants to hide out in my dark house and hope no one comes knocking.

Ha.

Things that please me.

Last night I went to this restaurant, owned by the singer in my dad's band. I'm trying to remain slightly anonymous so no creepy internet weirdos start stalking me. Not that it would be that hard to find me anyway, but whatever. My dad has had some interaction with this program, and these kids were performing last night. It was very pleasing to me. These kids are learning instruments, singing, and performing, and having a good time while doing so. I think it's a great thing to encourage, and I think students don't get enough of it in school. It gives them something to do, to work toward, to be proud of. And as my mother *keeps* saying, "not every kid is an athlete."

It also pleases me to see my dad doing something he loves (music) and combining it with his desire to serve the community (which is evidenced, in part, by his committment to volunteer firefighting for most of his life). He is happy, he's using his experience to bring some additional fun to the program, and it's just an all around pleasing thing to see.

The one thing that did not please me is the lack of meaning my life has. Perhaps that's strong, as I do feel that I provide something valuable to my friends, and my family, and my job. But I'm not doing something that really makes me feel GOOD about my contribution to the world. I keep telling myself that this current place I'm in is a means to an end, and I think this is the truth. I will get my new degree, and perhaps that will lead me in the direction I'm really meant to go.

One more thing that does please me is this:

This is Satchel Paige, named, apparently, after this guy. It was his foster name, so I'm not sure why or where it came from, but that is beside the point. My sister has taken over the care of this dog, for reasons I don't feel like discussing right now. Satchel, while really a sweet dog, has some big behavior problems. She is working with him though, and he is getting better and better. They have bonded, and that pleases me as well. I think my sister has a lot of love to give, even if she doesn't always show it, and if anyone is in need of love right now, it's Satchel. Thanks to a collar recommendation from the baron, long walks have become less painful and more pleasurable. AND, thanks to a little daring on my sister's part, and a lack of pedestrian traffic yesterday, she let him off, OFF! the leash. AND he explored, AND when she called for him, he came right back to her. It even afforded her this photo op. This is real progress people. And it pleases me.

Maybe...

I'm posting frequently, I know. Maybe this will make up for that time in the future when I'll totally forget what a blog even is. I want to get the camera, and do a DITL, which has nothing to do with this. Rather, it is a Day in the Life photo collection. Maybe I could try to do one weekly. These photos may not be very interesting, but perhaps they will point out, to myself, that I need to make better use of my time. If nothing else, maybe it will get me using the camera we bought and rarely use. Maybe it will force me back to that photography world I dabbled in briefly and then abandoned for no good reason.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I'm sick of Joe the Plumber

The baron points to a brief, but helpful, article in her post today. I watched Obama's commercial while I finagled my new curtains into their positions. To be honest, I only half paid attention to it. I know where my heart is, where my head is, and who I'm going to vote for on November 4. There is nothing that will change my mind at this point. Still, I like watching Obama. He makes me excited. He makes me hopeful. I'm not going to lie. I'm cynical when it comes to politics. I know Obama isn't perfect. But I'm hopeful that someone younger, someone newer, someone less "experienced" might be a refreshing change. I feel real hope. Maybe that's naive, but here's hoping, right?

Productive

This evening I'm feeling rather productive and wanted to write about it.  Sophie came to help Jack with math.  This after his mother took us all to dinner at Hard Times.  Really not helping me with my eating (or more specifially NOT eating) plans.  But oh well.  Free dinner I didn't have to cook, with people I don't mind spending time with.  I've hung my new curtains, bought because they are supposed to help insulate.  I'm not thrilled with the color or material really, but as I'm sitting here I'm already noticing that it is a little warmer than before.  Function is the key here.  And maybe once the wrinkles fall out (me, iron?  i don't think so) and I get used to them, maybe they won't be so bad.

I also went through a few piles of crap from the office, and shut up the guest room for the winter.  I made a bigger mess out of my living room, but did remove some of the said crap from the office to the downstairs pile of crap for later reorganization.  I also made a deposit to the box of lies (aka the bin with random wires, cords, etc.) so named because once, after purchasing miles of speaker wire for some household project, Jack happened upon this box and realized it was hiding all sorts of speaker wire and I had never told him about it.

I also watched Dr. Rey argue with his bitchy wife while she tried to boss him around.  I killed a few brain cells, for sure.  

One other thing.  We announced at dinner that we are adding kittens to our family.  My mother in law seems very keen on this idea, and has just this evening sent me 7 craigslist postings for kittens needing homes!  I think she is living vicariously through us.

Pumpkins

I wanted to add that prior to our discussions, I was slightly worried that they might coincide with pumpkin carving. You know, sharp knives and all of that. But it worked out ok. And our pumpkins, while not necessarily award winning, are pleasing to us.

Plans, Plans, Plans

I've come to the realization that my life consists of making plans. Few of these plans seem to make it past the planning stages. There is always some revision, some addition, some subtraction. Then there's no time, something gets in the way. So, my plan (ha!) is to bring more of my plans to fruition. I think being married and sharing a household drags out the planning because of the whole discussing the plan, agreeing on the plan, making a final decision on the plan. We sort of exist in a world like this:

me: "what do you think about X"
husband: "i don't know, haven't thought about it."
me: "ok..."
husband: " "
me: "so, let's talk about it."
husband: "ok"
me: " "
husband: "well, i don't know, what do YOU think about it?"

I think we're just learning. Sure we've been together for a long time, but we haven't had a lot of every day decisions to make. We're ok on the big ones, like getting married, buying a house, etc. But on the little things, like what does he want me to buy him for lunch in a given week? or, at what temperature should we set the thermostat? seem to be tricky for us. Perhaps because both of us are pretty easy going on most things. Drapes don't matter that much, so he probably doesn't care. And what's the real difference between various deli meats, or chicken or pork for dinner? Neither of us are particularly committed to every day household causes.

But last night, we did have a discussion, about cats, that had a beginning, a middle, and an end, pertaining specifically to whether or not we wanted to add to our household. It made me feel very grown up. We decided yes, by the way. So now, more plans!

To get my house ready for kittens I need to do some things. cleaning and organizing to be specific. We're not going to let this little plan fade into oblivion, but I'm going to hold myself to some conditions.

On a side note, to keep everything honest, I had french fries today, which I was NOT supposed to do. Sort of extenuating circumstances, so whatever. And I'm having taco salad for dinner, I'm not allowing myself any candy, and I will be doing some cleaning and organizing tonight as punishment.

Today is better

I woke up today feeling like I normally do. Groggy, cold, and looking for some reason to not come to work. BUT, I didn't have the anxiety and the sadness that I've had for the last few weeks. I feel sort of normal again. Who knows why. Maybe I just gave myself enough of a kick in the ass, and some other things to think about, to get me out of the rut I was in.

I didn't have french fries yesterday. Tonight, I will have some, but they will be from home, and so they don't count the same way. It's not cheating, I swear.

For the random obsession of the day, I have decided on pets/cats/kittens.

The house feels lonely. Like it needs something. The pitter patter of little feet. A baby, of the human variety, is not what I'm after at this point. A dog means lots of responsibility, never being able to leave it for more than a few hours without having someone else take care it, whether it be a friend or a kennel. A dog needs training, real training, which takes time and lots of money. We, or at least I, have the time. But we don't have the money. Not right now. And it's not just the money, as I realize a cat will cost money too. But a cat doesn't require the same things. And a cat doesn't require that someone come home every 4 hours. A cat doesn't need the same attention and dedication that a dog does. I'm spending so much time justifying this because REALLY want a dog. But it's not the right time. Maybe when things settle down more, or maybe when we have kids and are trapped.

A cat, on the other hand, we could leave over night without too much worry. A cat means someone could come in once a day if we went on a trip. And the cat would be ok. the baron brought up the idea of fostering. I'm not sure I could do this though. I wouldn't be able to give it away, I feel like. Maybe I'm wrong. I think, though, that it will be hard to sell Husband on it.

In the mean time, we're going to have a discussion about it. Hopefully a real one, over pumpkin carving tonight!

Let the Sunshine in

I need to get my act together. Starting today. No more crying jags, no more moping around the house. No more eating whatever I feel like eating. Today is a new day. And I'm not going to succumb to blahness anymore. I have several small goals that I will be working on this week. Nothing too major or time consuming, but things that will get me on the right track. I have food/eating goals and I have house tidying goals. The are as follows:

Food Goals

1. No Wendy's this week
2. No french fries this week
3. Track what I eat
4. Drink 8 glasses of water

House Goals

1. Clean up as I go
2. Go through one pile a night from the office.
3. Remove anything that isn't necessary to the basement for storage